1. |
Legacy
03:13
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one year ago today, was i any happier? or do i just remember it that way because it's easier than addressing a pattern of thought that makes me feel sick when i'm not and culminates in wasted days i'll misremember anyway? i grind this idea up between my thumb and index finger and crush it into powder while i'm listening to Hejira. if i die tomorrow, bury me in my cowboy hat and empty all my hard drives except for the pictures of me and Springsteen.
is this what all of this is for, to be remembered? and not just remembered, but remembered how you want to be? is that legacy or is that power? is that legacy or is that power over the living? hmm, some legacy. i will let it be a cliche or a lie, but only if it means i don't actually have to die. to subdue that inclination for something concrete and good to replace what i've been given, underwritten and misunderstood.
as seen from far away, it was a good day.
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2. |
What Begins In Spring
02:06
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i couldn't make out the words. you were speaking in some code. it was a riddle i didn't know the answer to. you were fading from my sight so i focused on my breathing. i noticed patterns in the colors of the cars. blue and gray and white. there were questions on your mind. you asked what will die and what begins in spring.
right then, the only thing i knew for sure was everything would end and to suppress the thought would only make it worse. so i said this kind of prayer i thought might distance from the fact or distract us long enough to keep us still. as everything was splintering, i felt a kind of transfiguring as i turned into a lighter kind of me. autumn is the broken thing that cracks and lets the winter in, repairs itself and what begins in spring.
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3. |
The Man With No Ego
02:14
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the man with no ego describes himself
reads back his words and feels underwhelmed
all of his fears manifest from above like a lightning bolt
accompanied by the low hum of a radio
showdown at twilight in autumn town
camouflaged in green and gold and brown
a flash appears in the sky unrecognized and gone
this is what the prophecy got wrong
try to throw out any useless thoughts
only keep the helpful parts
imagine a moment in the future enough times it may as well be past
just living on feels like straddling two universes
let yourself freefall into the real one
the man with no ego gets nothing done
a family of birds is leaving for the summer
they form a threatening looking circle
in the sky
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4. |
Darkness
03:45
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"how much of this was i thinking? none of it. but how much was i feeling? all of it."
Bruce Springsteen said this in 2005 on VH1 storytellers about "Devils and Dust." his words occur to me again in 2020, listening to "Darkness on the Edge of Town."
as a kid i remember just clinging to the second verse because i also had secrets that i dreamed of cutting loose. then after my first breakup, as a mopey teenager, the first verse spoke to me, seeing how people live on in different places carrying our little memory. in my headphones, in my bedroom, the singer seemed ancient and free and wise and i played the song on repeat to see my future through his eyes.
so what about the third verse? well i always heard it as catharsis, as in "i'll do whatever it takes,” within the metaphor of racing. but now i'm not so sure what the narrator's doing up on that hill, consumed by darkness, after losing everything. he says "lives on the line where dreams are found and lost," but whose life is on the line? and what exactly did you find? i can almost see that silhouette in the fadeout, that desperate jump, nihilistic and alone up there.
he was 28. it was the last song he finished for the record after sitting in fragments in a journal dating back to the earliest sessions. it can take a while to know what you're feeling, to see where you're going, to climb down from the hill.
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5. |
You Are My Friend
02:11
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i am your friend
even when we are distant
even when we are alone
even when we're not talking
and if you are alone
and you are a tumbleweed
in an empty street
where nobody's living
then i am still your friend
to help you remember you are you again
even when the world seems dead
you're dancing through my consciousness
back before all our conversations
included words like "asymptomatic"
we still worried about everything
just with different perspective
friendship is an invisible force
that got us through the 2010s and so much worse
and what comes next i'm gonna text you first
to find out what you're thinking
you are not alone
even if you feel lonely
i am always with you
you are always with me
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6. |
My Big Day
03:09
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i wanna tell you about my big day. i wouldn't know what to tell you about. when a good thing slips away every time i open my mouth. put a name on the feeling and the feeling's behind me. put a melody to the song and the words feel wrong.
i haven't had a lot to do, just drinking and reading. i wanna open up my heart to you when you ask me what i'm feeling. put a name on the feeling and the feeling's behind me. put the words on the page and the meaning evaporates.
i wanna tell you about my big day, how its losses felt tragic. maybe the victories felt okay and faded as soon as they happened. put a name on the feeling and the feeling's behind me. try to spit out where i've been, i couldn't squeak out a thing. put a name on the feeling and the feeling's behind me. try to tell you what i mean, well, between you and me. put a name on the feeling and the feeling's behind me. put a name, give it a name.
i wanna tell you about my big day
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7. |
Moments In Doubt
01:42
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moments in doubt of their future
moments in love with each other
moments in time
moments in life
moments in between
the unbearable truth
the intraversable darkness
the one true path
the music and silence
home of the brave
home on the range
home's where you make it
i feel uncertain
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8. |
Dreams
02:35
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are you the kind of person who notices their dreams? and do you take pleasure in discussing interpretations? do you wake up angry? do you wake up sad? do you tell the first person you see in the morning about the dreams that you had?
i constantly resist the urge to turn every dream into a lyric or topic that i bring up with my friends. i imagine on average most people have 2 maybe 3 dreams at most throughout a lifetime that are interesting enough to repeat.
then i think about David Lynch and i think about meditation and i think about all my dreams that in retrospect were trying to tell me something. when writers call things "dreamlike," are they talking about the fact that they don't really understand it? and aren't there more honest ways to say that?
most dreams are personal and won't exist outside your brain. no matter how many times you retell it, it won't ever feel the same. maybe that's the essence, the one thing worth preserving, the breath in the lungs of our mind that exhales and leaves the body searching for an outlet, for a guide.
life is chaos but my dreams are mine.
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9. |
Finding Clearer Ways
02:47
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finding clearer ways to explain myself over Ds and As and Gs. when i sing i try to enunciate all the verses on the screen. when i started writing songs, it was mostly imitation because the quickest way to find your voice is by trying to be someone different. the harder you push, the more you resist. see how your own skin fits! remember in college being drowned out in basements by hobbyist dipshits covering the Misfits. they were probably watching my set thinking, "how is this not over yet?" i've never been competitive but that don't mean i don't play to win. so i make an effort to explain myself, diaristic in a literal sense. an accidental document of my own fleeting permanence.
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10. |
Last Known Side Effect
02:00
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sitting in the park waiting for my therapist to call
quarter after 5 in the middle of July
what has been accomplished?
what has been extinguished?
following a train of thought until it stops me in my tracks
mama was a rolling stone, papa was a cadillac
what can we prepare for
without a child to care for?
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